Whenever we make the choice to commit to something, large or small, we sometimes forget that this commitment will, most likely, come at a cost.
We may have to feel some withdrawal, some pain, a bit of deprivation, overwhelm. These pains can be any and/or all of the following; physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. It is when we go into a commitment blindly and these discomforts hit us unawares that we suffer – and hence, usually fail to follow through with the commitment.
There is a part of us, and it is vital to realize that this is, that has zero interest in any pain or discomfort, let alone not getting exactly what we want and right now! This part makes us cringe. We hate to admit that we are so weak, or demanding, or dependent, or lazy or greedy. Instead, we rationalize our needs and our behavior. Things like “I work so hard, you couldn’t possibly understand, I had to eat a piece of cake just to get through the day!’ “I need to smoke; it’s the only way I can get out of the office for a breath of fresh air!’ “I am not like you; I am too busy to exercise all of the time!’
This making up excuses is way too much fun, I could go on for hours. Which is the point. We actually get some pleasure out of our excuses. It is negative pleasure, and for the part of us that wants what we want when we want it, any pleasure will do. This fulfills a real need!
In order to stay committed, it is necessary to go in and through our negative beliefs and negative intentions, and actually catch ourselves indulging in negative pleasure. This can be painful and challenging. It requires courage and honesty, which if taken on, leaves a profound sense of respect for one’s self – a respect that is based on an internal knowing that cannot be taken away.
Contrast this to a reward from the outside, or another person, which can be fleeting. When we count on that reward from the outside and it doesn’t sustain us (because it can’t!) we use this as an excuse to indulge in the very behavior we said we wanted to change. We rationalize (ration out lies) that “it wasn’t that important…” or “I really didn’t want that after all….” or “I just couldn’t, it was too hard.”
Commitment is a huge topic about which much has been written. There are “12 Tricks…” and “10 Ways…” and “Seven E-Z to Follow Steps…” up the wazoo. Most of these dance around the actual pain that is involved in commitment, because we don’t like to feel pain. No blog post that includes a bitter pill ever goes viral. We have such a negative association with anything that smacks of anything uncomfortable, and we strive constantly for a world where we all have what we want and no one has to suffer.
We do not do this consciously, of course. If you are willing to sit with yourself for a minute and listen into yourself, you will hear the protests, the demands, the pleas for help, the refusals to be responsible, the desperate cries for attention. We usually live life on top of these, pushing them down, pretending not to notice.
The key to a life where a commitment actually is fulfilled, where anxiety is seen as something to pay attention to, where we are living with a rhythm consistent with our best self, is to stop and feel whatever there is to feel.
Listen to the protests without making yourself wrong. Soothe the part of you that is crying out for attention. Stand up to the inner critic who says that you will never succeed. Feel the pain of what it is to be simply human rather than pretending it is all “just fine” or “too hard to bare.”
Commitment requires that we see ourselves and life in reality. We do not get to be perfect here and that does not give us an excuse to act in a way that is disrespectful to ourselves and/or life. We cannot cheat life. We cannot receive more than we are willing to give.
We can only experience the abundance that life is when we are willing to see ourselves as we really are. The imperfect, pathetic, demanding, hateful, fearful, grasping that we all feel is not all of us, but it is a part of us. And, the only way to find out who we really are is to see all of these parts and welcome them, courageously. By taking this level of responsibility in the matter of your own life, commitment ultimately fulfills us.