As we find our way through our difficulties, there is pain. This is inevitable. Thinking about this from the point of view of a conscious adult, it makes sense. Refusing to accept that there’s pain, just makes sure that the difficulties stay in place.
As children, we were all hurt in some way or another. There is no point in comparing who was hurt more or less, let alone ask why. Comparing and looking for reasons why is usually just another avoidance tactic.
Looking at how we defended against our childhood hurts then, and continue to now, is the only approach that makes any difference.
Some defend against pain by withdrawal. They take themselves, energetically and emotionally, away from life, others, and ultimately, themselves.
Another defense is to aggress. Anger, attack, looking out ahead for danger, and a rigid holding of themselves against the other is what feels like safety to those of us who defend with aggression.
Submission is the third way. Those who choose to submit go towards the other in an attempt to meld with them in order to create a feeling of safety. These people “do for” and “care for” overly much. They try to fix themselves by making the other happy. While on the surface this may seem superior to aggression and withdrawal, submission is as manipulative as the other defenses. It is an equally off-putting and inauthentic energy.
We all defend ourselves in each of these three ways. Most of us have our favorites, the way that feels most like our true energy, our primary divine ray.
Our defenses are divine rays in distortion. When we recognize the defenses as such, dismantle and transform them, we tap into our true energy in essence.
The undefended energy of withdrawal reveals the divine ray of wisdom and serenity. A going inside and holding of oneself is a beautiful strength.
Aggression, once healed, allows the divine ray of power. This is the energy that, in a healthy way, holds our boundaries. This is a necessary and beautifully powerful holding of a piece of life.
Submission, when the original pain is felt and gone through, uncovers the divine ray of true love. A going towards the other in a genuine desire to connect, to become One with. This going out towards the other creates life.
It is our work to see, know, understand, and correct ourselves in relationship to our defenses. They are a divine energy, only in distortion, due to our childish ignorance.
Watch your thoughts, feelings and actions throughout the day. See where and when you withdraw, aggress or submit. Watch these with loving kindness and compassion.
Take an interest in how these patterns developed. It made perfect sense at one time, when we knew no other way. We took our own divine ray, and used this energy to protect us from what felt like a life-threatening situation. To a child, not being loved, not being seen or heard, being confused, are all life-threatening. We then habitualized our defenses and lost our true nature to these habits.
To bring oneself back to the real self, one’s true nature, one’s divinity, is requiring, healing and painful. The original pain that, as a child, we had no other choice but to defend against, has to be felt, gone through and assimilated. It does hurt. We do cry, wail, collapse in, and rage out. We can do this with our own conscious, adult witness. A non-moralizing holding of ourselves, here and now, provides us with the recognition and holding we never had as children. Being held and recognized for who we really are, a divine ray that contributes to life, has life be the creative, joyful, pleasure for which we all yearn.
Putting this into action
Try this daily review at home to bring awareness (the first step to dismantling) to your defenses.
- Every day, set an intention to watch your thoughts, feelings and actions throughout the day as a non-judgmental witness.
- Later, look back over your day and list your disharmonies from the day.
- For these, see where and when you withdrew, aggressed or submitted.