On the occasion of my 60th birthday celebration I became aware of something I just have to share and am hopeful could make a difference to you.
As any of you who have read my blogs know, I have a past of which most would not be proud. It is a miracle that I survived, quite honestly. Somewhere between my exaggeration about what I experienced and my denial of what I did there is quite a mess of a life. I have spent the past 32 years in therapy, transformational programs, going to energy healing schools, reading, and writing, all to escape my past. All, honestly, to change. All of this to be something other than what I am.
Part of me has been waiting and waiting and alternately getting very frustrated and then striving more to become the person I vaguely think I should be. I have been frantically trying to be someone who is acceptable.
The gift of my birthday gathering is that I, for the first time in my entire life, saw and felt that I already am that person. I realized that the only thing that keeps me from being who I think I should be is letting it in! As I stood in front of the people with whom I shared my birthday, I felt overwhelming gratitude and love for each and every person there. What occurred to me then, and has stayed with me, is that they love me just as I am. Now. I don’t have to change. I don’t have to fix anything. There is nothing wrong.
Love flows in and through us when our own resistance to love is let go. Some of the people who traveled far to celebrate with me have known me since my darkest days. They were witness to, and victims of, some of my most destructive behaviors. And they still love me. This was the theme of my celebration. They still love me. They love me, I realized, not for what I did (or do) but for who I am.
I allowed myself to let that love flow in and through me. I feel like I have had a hangover for the past two days. That is how foreign this allowing is to me. Today I sat with the love. Love is real. We only need to allow.
My heart is overflowing with gratitude for each and every one with whom I have had the honor and pleasure of sharing not only my one special day, but my entire life. I love you.